As I've mentioned, if I can't have my favorite foods, I get irritable and every thing and every person I come across only serve to exacerbate my frustration with a lack of pizza and pasta. My body aches from the workouts (even though I stretch thoroughly before and after) and I don't feel like I'm losing the weight fast enough.
It's actually ridiculous because I'm losing weight at a great pace, averaging around 2 pounds a week, which is low and slow and the way to go. But it just still sucks because I have the mentality that every time I turn down a slice of cheesecake, I should automatically lose 10 pounds as a reward because, let's face it, it's hard to say no to cheesecake (or insert your favorite dessert/food of choice).
But, that's what I've been doing. I've been turning down cheesecake slices and trips to Mexican restaurants. I've been eating less and eating healthier. I have not drastically changed my diet but I have cut out 99% fast food consumption and have began to decrease my portion size for my meals. And I've been working out every single day (except for designated off days included in my workout plans) and I'm pretty proud of that, especially considering where I came from at the end of the year, which was basically me sitting around and not moving whatsoever and eating garbage all day long.
And I think that's pretty healthy. Normally, when I get on a health kick, when the light switch in my mind flips up, I go hard, eliminating all junk and sweets, eating tiny portions and guzzling water, essentially shocking my system. I used to punish myself for over eating, feeling guilty for the rest of the day and over exercising to the point of queasiness.
But not this time around. I'm really trying to do this responsibly and not go on a crash diet or exercise frenzies. I think a part of it is because I am actually still trying to get into the right frame of mind for weight loss. It's like the light switch is stuck in the middle. The light is on, just dimmed, flickering. That's not necessarily a bad thing. I'm not being crazy about this whole thing. I'm just trying to be conscious of what I'm doing to myself.
The other part, however, is because I just don't feel like I have it in me anymore to be super strict about dieting and exercise. I'm vapor with no substance and I cannot move anything. I've just been solely concentrating on not dissipating entirely. And with that focus comes a half-hearted concentration on other goals, including 70% exertion during exercise and an extra bite or two of bread.
But it's not all bad. My numbness has kept me from becoming obsessed with perfecting my weight loss. I also keep trying to remind myself that I didn't become rotund overnight nor will I slim up in seconds. It will simply take a lot of time and a lot of sacrifice to get back to where I was but what's the alternative? Say, in six months, I could lose maybe 30 pounds. As much as I would love to know I'd lose more, it's better than not losing any weight or even gaining more. So, it's going to be six months whether I change or not, whether I try or not. And I can be just as fat in miserable in that time or I can work hard and enjoy a bit of progress.
It's slow and it's realistic and it's frustrating at times because I just want to eat a pizza. But when I take into account my unhealthy view of food, I'm not doing too bad. I'm suffering every day knowing I can't eat a greasy cheeseburger but I'm trying, struggling every day and every time I resist temptation, it's a small victory. It's an accomplishment. It's calories saved.
Every time I have too much dessert or an extra helping of a side dish, I regret it immediately. I tend to punish myself for those behaviors but I just need to sit back and realize that although I ate too much chicken, it was baked and not fried. It was better than what I really wanted to do, which was go to McDonalds. So, although I might have had a bit too much, it was still better than a Big Mac.
I'm constantly faced with food choices and every time I take the right path, it should be recognized and celebrated just as much as I condemn myself for forking myself in the wrong direction. There needs to be a balance of good and bad, of praise and punishment.
And even when it comes to punishment, I'm trying not to be as severe as I used to be. I'm trying to recognize the concept of moderation. I'm trying to realize that over eating during one meal will not ruin all my weeks of weight loss. One off day will not destroy me. I just have to do better the next day. I have to try to balance it all out, eat less for dinner if I ate more for breakfast. I can't give up, can't feel defeated for eating too many baked chips and surrender to spaghetti. It's okay to slip up, especially for me, especially because I am addicted to food, especially because food is the only thing that makes me happy. I can't quite it all together. But I can force myself to scale back.
I'm also trying to realize that rewarding myself with food is not the best idea. People like the idea of having a cheat day but I feel I am still too close to food to do that. For me, what works is completely separating myself from the situation until I know I have full control over it. It's like the alcoholic who just got out of rehab and is allowing himself one drink. But once that taste is on the tongue, one drink becomes two becomes passed out becomes another trip to rehab. I don't want to risk relapsing over a Reese's Pieces.
The weight loss is slow but it is happening and I just have to remember that I am doing better, that no matter how much I might over eat or give into temptation, I have still managed to lose 14 pounds and that's not bad at all. And I haven't skipped a workout which is incredibly significant because I loathe exercising. And just how the weight slipped up on me, it can slide right off just the same. With time. With determination. With discipline. With sacrifice. With good choices.